I asked myself, for a brief moment, if my look was ok when I left for the Baneasa Mall to buy some stuff. My dark purple baggy Indian trousers and black kurta, with the Jaipur colorful slippers looked just right to me. I concluded I was fine, and left with joy in my heart; not one worry about what “people might think about me”J
I did my shopping and waiting in line to pay I observed people. All of a sudden I saw a family of three, all dressed with the same salmon color t-shirts, pants or handbag. The lady of the family, obviously, was expressing a concern dressing them all up like that, for her face was not joyful at all – as the color might have suggested.
A memory from the past made me smile. The sheer ignorance I had in parts of my life made me smile with understanding.
The man in his forties, well groomed, appeared content with himself; an island on its own, bent over the carriage full of food he was busy without looking busy, reading or sending messages on the phone. The child, some 10 years old girl, was in the space between her mother and father, absent looking. The woman appeared to be the classy, slim and well-educated corporatist. In spite of the accomplished family image they seemed to want to project, her long and sad face, deeply lined with the marks of resigned suffering was telling a different tale.
Looking in my own experience and the experience of people I coached, people I heard in Landmark courses for so many years, I imagined some of the reasons for that face: taken for granted, starved emotionally and sexually, no acknowledgement, trapped, finding no more sense in anything, no validation, humiliated, ignored, used, just going through the motions etc. etc. And the list could go on.
The reasons that came to me are only a part of what people might say if asked why they suffered while in a relationship, women or men.
The wave of emotion that would accompany those explanations would justify the explanations, the explanations would beck up the emotions, and in this vicious circle that entrap human beings what would be missed would be the real reason.
I looked with fondness to my colorful Jaipur slippers and had a spontaneous smile extend on my face. The real reason would be ignorance topped by the lack of the one education that would distinguish the wrong thinking, correct it and release all that trapped life in self-pity.
The lesson is: when you start being the victim of your partner, no matter what the explanation, it means life is warning you to wake up to the fact that your happiness does not lie with the other person, or any other person. Expecting to be “made happy” by someone, by your ‘soul mate’, and having a long face until they do, you are completely lost. You become unattractive, sink in in even more suffering while they run away with increased speed.
If you expect your partner to “make you happy”, “fill your life” you have a short circuit in your brain, whatever you are, a woman, a man, a child, a parent, etc. and if you do not wake up you will die an ignorant, shriveled, sour, futile creature no one would enjoy being near.
So, instead of manipulating with “salmon color”, or “family picture” on the desk of his office or by his side of the bed (my trick!), or going to church/temple, etc. to beg God to help you get him/her back to make you happy, you should find yourself your dreams and start living them.
Be happy with yourself and you will become attractive again and he/she might even beg to come back to you.
While there is a need to use words to communicate, I do not give advice and I do not like spewing concepts; I do know how difficult it is to break from the self made trap of self-pity.
Nonetheless, for your sake and for the sake of your children, who learn only by observing you and will repeat your thinking defects, you need to think with clarity. Ontological coaching does the trick of showing you where your thinking is wrong and how to correct it.
Who does that best besides me, as a coach ;)?
Landmark does it, to the best of my knowledge.
A trip to London for three days, you take charge of your brain again, if you are really committed. Of course, another condition would be to be willing to find out.
For the rest, just have a ball!
Self-pity is a sinister part of the ‘circus’ we all take part in, so you might want it short.
As Osho said: Life is playful, fun, because the whole existence is a circus.”
How do you like my slippers?